A word can mean a whole spectrum and we both use words that we both don't understand where on the spectrum these words really stand.
If you think that I am saying any of this because I want a change in any of your actions, probably you didn't get what I mean yet. I am not asking for anything different, I am not blaming, I am not upset or even suggesting anything to be done or said differently. I am only trying the virtual honesty and openness! The honesty that I always talk about, and the openness I always lectures others about and I always struggle with it myself, how can't I struggle to step out of my fears and over bashfulness when I grew up all my life suppressing my feelings?! all of them, whether happy or sad, love or hate, or even pain, whether physical or emotional.
Those days I have been feeling more emotional, I hate that in me! too much emotions is as damaging as too much logic. I also hate the virtual world that you introduced me to! It leads to self deception, a false sense of comfort to a sore heart or may be because I am not good at it. Is it a silly student with lots of love to the teacher?
Maybe I am confused now and distorted, maybe it is since my therapist wanted me to get more involved with him and he couldn't understand that closeness to others has no reason to be or not to be there, no matter how much we would try to keep it in or out. He couldn't understand that if you claim love, you give more not demand more but why should he be different?!! the gap he left behind is harder than I thought, I miss our times, our talks, his understanding, and how we related, I even miss his love, although I hated what it came with. Is it true I saw in him a father when he saw in me a lover? Maybe I was as selfish with him as he was with me. Maybe, I too, did hurt him.
There is a difference between caring for somebody and caring about somebody, caring for somebody is deciding how many of their needs we are willing to satisfy, caring about somebody, is deciding a certain level to put these people on. Sometimes I feel that each of us has one form of these two.
Funny how we go in the world like a raft in a windy day, we find ourselves sometimes drafting where we feared going the most. My raft drifted your way, and although I knew yours will drift away at one point, in the same manner, I couldn't stop myself. I wish I could, so I wouldn't miss you, specially on a day like today.