What's wrong with a doctor's appointment? are you worried about hurting?..... Yes, you bet! the worst pain is the one that is felt only by you, nobody can relate to, so they would know when to stop and give you a break.
The nurse will come, check the blood pressure and says all is looking good today! never recorded that I have low blood pressure, because stepping in this torture camp takes care of elevating it for me!
I will sit there and wait for the doctor, it is the hardest part of this visit! I can hear my heart beating, while try to look normal! but what is normal when it comes to that? what should the normal looks like? not to swallow a lot, so not to look like having a dry mouth? or not to shake? or to put a smile on this face, so when he comes in, he would say "you look good today!!"? How good anybody can possibly look, before going through that? who came up with the gynecology exam? He must have been a very insensitive, abusive man.
The doctor is nice, but he also knows that he is dealing with somebody with a "history". Naive guy, a female born in the medial east, has to have a history when it comes to that, whether it is stated on the chart or not.. The history strength varies according to how lucky she was. but an undeveloped society has to equals abuse experience, specially sexually. He must be feeling uncomfortable dealing with a patient like that, who refuses to get into an exam gown because she doesn't want to take anything off unless she has to!
If he asked "anything you want to talk about?", it will show how silly is this doctor. What can be possibly talked about in an hour? and what the talking can possibly do to me? help me?!!! or put me back to re live what I want to escape? and if I would to talk, Where would I start? Which event and What age we would talk about? or Who was he, who did that to a child? but Why to even try to talk, if no matter what I would say, it would still lead to the same exam table, the same routine of spreading knees, same "trying to relax" advice, the same light shining where it shouldn't and staying in a room that is very bright to remind me of how exposed a person can feel. These are all hard, but hearing the statement "don't worry, nothing is going to hurt", is what storms inside me with anger and frustration. What is he talking about? just standing where he is, hurts so bad and chokes every nerve cell in me so intensely. What about the physical pain?... Sadly, as hard as they are, they become so insignificant being masked by the aching soul within.
I will tell myself; "We went through that before"..."We can do it this time too, I know we can!"...."It gets easier by time"! .....But all what I really want to tell myself is; " soon we will be home, in bed, all covered up, and in the warm hug of our pillow, we will let those trapped tears loose and they will soon run down as fast as they can!".