Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Appointment Reminder

A week from today!! The phone calender reminds me!! why did I put a reminder on it? As if I might forget this appointment.  Probably, that's a wishful thinking. The worst thing in life, is waiting for something you fear, counting the days, can't get it out of your mind and try to pretend that you are like others. Pretending, like lying, they are both very damaging to the soul, they let you betray your true you and turn your back on your own self.
What's wrong with a doctor's appointment? are you worried about hurting?..... Yes, you bet! the worst pain is the one that is felt only by you, nobody can relate to, so they would know when to stop and give you a break.
The nurse will come, check the blood pressure and says all is looking good today! never recorded that I have low blood pressure, because stepping in this torture camp takes care of elevating it for me!
I will sit there and wait for the doctor, it is the hardest part of this visit! I can hear my heart beating, while try to look normal! but what is normal when it comes to that? what should the normal looks like? not to swallow a lot, so not to look like having a dry mouth? or not to shake? or to put a smile on this face, so when he comes in, he would say "you look good today!!"?  How good anybody can possibly look, before going through that? who came up with the gynecology exam? He must have been a very insensitive, abusive man.

The doctor is nice, but he also knows that he is dealing with somebody with a "history". Naive guy, a female born in the medial east, has to have a history when it comes to that, whether it is stated on the chart or not.. The history strength varies according to how lucky she was. but an undeveloped society has to equals abuse experience, specially sexually. He must be feeling uncomfortable dealing with a patient like that, who refuses to get into an exam gown because she doesn't want to take anything off unless she has to!

 If he asked "anything you want to talk about?", it will show how silly is this doctor. What can be possibly talked about in an hour? and what the talking can possibly do to me? help me?!!! or put me back to re live what I want to escape? and if I would to talk, Where would I start? Which event and What age we would talk about? or Who was he, who did that to a child?  but Why to even try to talk, if no matter what I would say, it would still lead to the same exam table, the same routine of spreading knees, same "trying to relax" advice, the same light shining where it shouldn't and staying in a room that is very bright to remind me of how exposed a person can feel. These are all hard, but hearing the statement "don't worry, nothing is going to hurt", is what storms inside me with anger and frustration. What is he talking about? just standing where he is,  hurts so bad and chokes every nerve cell in me so intensely. What about the physical pain?... Sadly, as hard as they are, they become so insignificant being masked by the aching soul within.
I will tell myself; "We went through that before"..."We can do it this time too, I know we can!"...."It gets easier by time"! .....But all what I really want to tell myself is; " soon we will be home, in bed, all covered up, and in the warm hug of our pillow, we will let those trapped tears loose and they will soon run down as fast as they can!".

5 Comments:

Anonymous الصحيفة الصادقة said...

nice

April 05, 2012  
Anonymous صحة أون لاين said...

رائع

May 02, 2012  
Anonymous العاب said...

nice blog

November 14, 2012  
Blogger Uouo Uo said...


thx

شركه تنظيف

March 16, 2015  
Blogger samaaaa said...

شركة تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة تمتلك مقومات النجاح من افضل عمالة مدربة الى الفنيين الذى يستخدمون احدث التقنيات و افضل مواد تعقييم المياة صديقة للبيئة كل ذلك باقل تكلفة بل تعتبر ارخص شركة تنظيف خزانات
تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة
.ولدي تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة قائمة كبيرة من العملاء الكرام بالسعودية يشهدون لنا بالكفاءة والجدية والمصداقية.ولهذا لاتفكر كثيرا فى الانضمام الى تلك القائمة من العملاء و من اجل مياة نقية وخزان سليم. شركة تنظيف خزانات انــــواع التغليف وجميع انواع المواد التى تساعد تنظيف خزانات على حميع انواع المصــــل الالمانى الاصلى – والمصـــل الامريكى الاصــلى – وتعمل تنظيف خزانات بالمدينه المنوره على رش المبيدات ولدينا
شركة تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة
فتره الضمان ولدينا احدث الاجهزه الرش المبيدات فنحن الافضـــل بلا شك والشركة تعمل على مدار 24 ساعه عمل فنحن الافضل شركة غسيل خزانات بالمدينة المنورة من اهم الشركات فى المملكة العربيه السعوديه .ازالة الاملاح والرواسب للخزانات تسوية الماده العازله للمحافظه على الخزانات من التسربات بالمدينه تقوم تنظيف الخزانات بالمدينة المنورة باستخدام احدث الطرق وبأجود المواد المستخدمه فى التنظيف حيث ان نظافة خزانات تستخدم احدث المعدات والادوات والمواد الكميائية المصرح بها من وزارة الصحة للحفاظ على صحة الانسان
تنظيف خزانات بالمدينه المنوره
اطلب الان خدمة تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة وانضم الى قائمة عملائنا . تنظيف فلل – تنظيف شقق جديدة – شقق مستعملة – فلل جديدة ومستعملة – مجالس -موكيت-سجاد-مساجد- كنب – ستائر بالبخار – مسابح – خزانات – منازل- واجهات زجاج – واجهات حجر – واجهات رخام – نظافة مكاتب للشركات – نظافة مدارس ).


October 27, 2016  

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